Nicole Mitchell heats up the Pacific Northwest ... in January!

I’m begging The Weather Channel (much in the same way I asked Rosetta Stone to fire Lesley Ann Machado) to ask Nicole Mitchell to resign from her post effective immediately.

Let me state that I hold nothing personal against Nicole Mitchell, I don’t even know the woman. It’s just that I can not concentrate long enough to care about the floods in the Southeast or the fires in L.A. while shes on the screen. Please refer to the included pictures and I am sure you will see my point.

Mudslides in L.A.? Tornadoes in central Kansas? Blizzard in New England? Sure whatever you say Nicole.  I turned on The Weather Channel recently to get my local 5 day forecast and The Weather Channel turned me on right back. Before they even got to covering the Northeast (where I live), I realized there was a heatwave in this little town called … My Pants! O.K it’s actually a HUGE town but I think you get my point.

I’m not trying to discriminate against women, certainly not beautiful women such as Nicole Mitchell. But the reason I turn on news stations like The Weather Channel is to get information about the weather. Now all I do is hope Nicole Mitchell stands there with the Pacific Ocean as her backdrop so the outline of her body in that red turtleneck and skirt doesn’t blend in with the color coded heatwave in the Southwest.

Nicole Mitchell's five day forecast, "as long as you watch me .. hot!"

Like I said I have nothing personal against Nicole Mitchell but the plaid skirt and knee-high leather boots is a bit more than I can handle. I’m just not prepared to tune in for tomorrows dew point and go from this

to this without warning. Please at least buffer the two with something my stomach can handle like this…. .

So I’ll wrap this up with a little forecast of my own. Unless The Weather Channel terminates Nicole Mitchell immediately, they’re going to be responsible for a lot of men who venture out on a cold day without their rubbers to protect their shoes because they were unable to pay attention to the wintry mix warning. Perhaps I’m wrong and they will remember their rubbers after-all … but I can guarantee you it has nothing to do with their shoes.

So ladies, when you wake up at 2:00 am with your husband by your side and he’s been watching The Weather Channel for 2 hours, don’t think it’s because he has a newfound interest in barometric pressure, jet-streams or Jim Cantore. What he really wants to see is how hot things get in his boxers after one appearance by the lovely Nicole Mitchell.

Nicole Mitchel - About as hot as a heatwave in Phoenix in July.

At first I was appalled by Sarah Palin’s suggestion of  ”death panels”. Where does she get the right to use false information and scare tactics to persuade the American people that health care reform in this country would be a mistake? In short I thought, “What a bitch!”

After long consideration I feel I must apologize to Mrs. Palin. This “death panels” issue is serious business and should not be taken lightly. These “death panels”, in theory could have serious consequences for the elderly and impoverished. But like anything else in life this theory must be tested before it can be proven or disproved.

Therefore I am proposing that we form just one death panel. A “death panel test” if you will. This way we can fully understand the consequences such a panel would have on another human beings life. In fact I nominate the great state of Alaska to form this trial-run “death panel” and the (former) governor, Mrs. Sarah Palin to stand before it.

I don’t think she would have anything to worry about. She is a healthy, tax paying, affluent American.  What possible reason would a panel of fine Alaskans have for knocking off this beautiful, vibrant, adept, maverick of a woman?

Ahhh, but here’s where my “death panel” takes a bit of a turn! This “Alaskan death panel” is not here to euthanize the sick. It was put in-place to eradicate the stupid. Woops, sorry Mrs. Palin, I forgot to mention that. Perhaps you should run for life like a wolf through the Alaska wilderness and someone is hovering above you in a helicopter.

Perhaps this is the sort of  ”death panel” we need in this country. One that eliminates all the doltish, inane, senseless people. You know who I’m talking about: the people who have been standing up at these town hall meetings with fire-arms.  The people who blurt out “socialism!” every chance they get. In other words, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck and most people who reside between the two coasts. Maybe, just maybe if we eliminate all those people the rest of the sensible, acute citizens of this country can move on in the right direction.

If we are to have “death panels”, I can’t wait until Sarah Palin is old and grey for her to get her hearing. I just can’t wait that long. So I propose a “death panel for the stupid”, where everyone gets numbered tickets (like a bakery).

And guess what Mrs. Sarha Palin … your first in-line. NEXT!

The United States Postal Service

The United States Postal service is considering consolidating or closing hundreds of local facilities. I have an idea –  close them all. The country doesn’t need anymore physical junk-mail, we have spam. We don’t need you to deliver our bills, we have the Internet. And in the rare occasion that I send a package to someone, I have UPS. It’s been a nice 234 year ride but the time has come to exit road left. This opinion is mostly derived from the fact that, like many government agencies, the United States Postal Service sucks. Walk into most Post Offices today and you feel like you walked into Mayberry… before Barney Fife was born. That was fine 60 years ago but it’s 2009! The United States Postal service is inevitably going to fail because of technological advances that make its services obsolete. But if the Postmaster General is looking for some ways to keep the USPS a float for a few more years here are some suggestions:

• Get a better tracking system. The fact that I can not find out exactly where my package is in today’s day and age is simply inexcusable.
• During the busiest time of day when most people visit the Post Office, you know lunch-time … stop letting all of your employees go on their lunch break!
• Please, stop asking me if I have “anything hazardous, perishable, liquid or fragile” in my package. You just wasted 15 minutes of my time talking to Joe Bob about his weekend, his kids and how the weather is, don’t waste another 8 seconds asking me if I’m shipping a gallon of Poland Spring.
• Stop raising your rates! The only reason most people use the Post Office is because of the cheaper rates. If you raise the price of a stamp every other day that kind of defeats the purpose don’t you think?
• Stop trying to sell me New York Yankee World Series plaques from 2005. You’re the Post Office not a gift shop.
• Lose that annoying Post Office smell.
• Bring back The Pony Express. If you’re going to take forever to deliver my mail I might as well get a kick out of it when it finally arrives.

Now don’t get me wrong, I feel for the thousands of Post Office employees who would lose their jobs if the USPS goes under. I really do. But times are changing and some things weren’t made to stick around forever, just ask the newspaper industry.

Last week, Obama said he called Crowley and “there was a discussion about he and I and Professor Gates having a beer here in the White House.”

Gibbs said: “I think it was Sgt. Crowley’s suggestion about the beer, and I think the president thought it was a good idea.”

• A beer! Are you serious? On July 23rd I stated that “everyone needed to relax and give Barack Obama some time to put things into action.” Sitting down with two men who had a dispute over an arrest that may or may not be race related is not what I had in mind. If the President of the United States sat down with every cop and every black man or woman who were entangled over an arrest he’d have to throw a keg party every night.  This dispute should be handled by the two men who were involved and the local court system if need be. NOT by the President of the United States.

Health-care, Afghanistan, Iraq, the environment, unemployment, and the economy. There’s a six pack of problems for you to work out Mr. President. Again, I’m all for giving the man a chance to get things done but please take a break from T.V. interviews, knock off the country wide town hall circuit (you already won) and for the love of God stop trying to appease everyone who takes a shot at you for anything you might say at a press conference.

George W. Bush said stupid things for eight years (and he rarely said them in comprehensible English), but you know what? - He didn’t care. He didn’t try to make everyone happy by sitting down and kicking back with a cold one. He knew that half the time he sounded as if he were drunk so what was the point. You have a Democratic House, a Democratic Senate and you’re a Democratic President. You shouldn’t be sharing a cold one with a Professor and a Police Officer, you should be cracking bottles over the heads of Republicans and saying “F U here’s our new health-care system”, “F U here’s our new energy policy”, and “F U here’s to getting out of Iraq and Afghanistan.”

In closing I’ll say this. Please Mr. President, leave the drinking to the people who really need it. The millions of unemployed, uninsured, “nervous as all hell about the future of America” Americans. This Bud’s for us!

Craig Carton

Most clowns are funny. Most clowns have some level of talent, a skill: juggling, balloon animals, unicycle, etc. Unfortunately for the thousands of listeners who tune into The Fan 660 am in New York … this clown has none. Craig Carton, co-host of the morning show with Boomer Esiason could quite possibly be the most obnoxious radio show personality that has it the airwaves in quite some time. He speaks on the subject of sports as if he knows what he’s talking about - e.g. his insistence that the New York Jets “needed to get Brett Favre at any cost”, smart move “Carton The Clown.” He calls himself the “doctor of baseball” (and does so with an accent that would make Jerry Lewis cringe) and I believe him if only for the fact that when you hear his voice it’s like getting hit in the head (repeatedly) with a baseball bat.

View Full Clip of Craig Carton pissing off Warren Sapp

Just Another Day Livin in the Hood

Everyone needs to relax. It’s been 6 months. Michael Steele, Chubby Limbaugh, Sean Insanity, the American people, I implore you –  just relax it’s been 6 months. I understand everyone is in a panic. I understand the economy isn’t what it used to be. I understand unemployment is rising and that California is so broke it would probably be better off breaking away from the US via an earthquake and forming its own third world country. Health-care is a mess, the environment is getting any cleaner, we are fighting 2 wars and the North Koreans are ready to take out Hawaii. It’s been 6 months, everyone take it easy.

The boxes are barely unpacked at the Obama’s new crib and yet we expect 8 years of complete incompetence to be cleaned up in …. 6 months. He’s working on it, let’s all just take it easy and give the man some time to fix things. Let us not forget that he is the first black President of The United States. Personally, if it were me I’d be throwing White House lawn barbecues until at least Labor Day. I’d be calling all the boys back in Chi-Town, “Yo Ron, you won’t believe this shit, I just got done hittin up Michele in the Lincoln bedroom.” Hell, for kicks I might even have Joe Biden paint the White House black and keep it that way for 6 to 8 months just because I can. In the 229 year history of this great country I’d be the first black president and you would see me on T.V. every night, if only for a minute to say, “WHAAATTT UPPPPP!”

You are either one of two things if you purchsed a Potty Patch: disgusting or lazy. Perhaps you are both. If you can’t get off your ass and take your pet out to go to the bathroom like most normal people than guess what … DON’T GET A PET! I saw the Potty Patch on T.V. recently and I was in-shock at how we will do anything we can not to have to do anything extra. I don’t blame this idea on the Potty Patch People (say that 5 times fast) themselves. All they did was find another way an American citizen can sit on his or her ass even more and they are trying to capitalize on it. That’s the American way.

But I have an even better idea! What about a “Potty Patch” for people. I mean what would be better than sitting on a “Couch Potty Patch” or lying on a  ”Potty Patch for the Bed”. Why should my dog have all the pissing where he wants fun? Damn it, I wanna sit my ass right in my recliner, wrap myself in a Snuggie, crack open a beer and piss myself silly while I wait for the next great product to sculpt my abs “without all the work”.  So Potty Patch if you’re reading this and need any other ideas …………….. CALL NOW!

Sarah Palin needs to go away! Please take a look at the picture to the left and tell me what seems to be out of place. We can NOT go from a country founded by our great Forefathers to a moose hunting, beauty queen trotting, dumb winking, Russia spotting, late baby making dumb ass. We just can’t.

Sarah Palin needs to go away! This country has survived a Civil War, a Great Depression, World War II and George W. Bush. FDR said “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself”, that may be true but if Sarah Palin is allowed to run for the highest office in the land I’m afraid we will have to add “the stupidity of the American Public” to FDR’s list. Imagine the look on the faces of our Forefathers if they were able to see how desperate we have gotten as country as to seriously consider this woman as a presidential candidate.

Sarah Palin needs to go away! Here’s my opinion on the thousands of people who show up to watch this moron speak at a public event. You’re idiots. Yes that’s right, every single one of you who took the time out of your life to watch a former beauty queen give a speech about anything meaningful is an idiot. I mean what the hell is going on here! Sarah Palin? Are you serious? Are the Republicans that desperate to win an election that they will nominate the most popular kid in class despite his or her shortcomings and the potential risk to this great country that they profess to be so called “Patriots” of?

Sarah Palin needs to go away! Please Mrs. Palin, I’m asking you, please go away. No, I’m begging you. You’ve taken up way to much media time. You’ve embarrassed yourself enough. Geroge Washington didn’t freeze his dick off during the Revolutionary War,  Abraham Lincoln didn’t taken one to the noggin, and FDR didn’t lead this county from a wheelchair only to have you come along and potentially lead us to the brink of collapse.  You want to be a real service to this country: pack up the family van with Trig, Bristol and the rest of the gang and go back to keeping an eye on Russia for us.